So I’ve been out of work now for almost 2 full months at this point.  My dad is adamant that I need to apply for a job at the business / company that my ex works at, I personally don’t want to work with him let alone see him daily… It’s very frustrating for me because I don’t want anything to do with him.  I’ve tried to explain to my dad that I don’t want to work with or near my ex and yet it feels like he’s belittling my decision; telling me that it’s not about being uncomfortable that it’s about getting back out there and working again…    he seems to think that it’s going to be easy for me, however I think he is wrong… aside from that they’re growing and moving from their current location to the building where my previous employer is currently located as of Feb 1st from what I’m told.  As well as several employees from my previous job are already working for that company b/c of all of the downsizing and I’m not 100% sure I want to work with them again so at this point I’m fairly sure it would be an uncomfortable situation for me all around.

I know he thinks he’s being helpful but it just irritates me and makes me feel like my decision / feelings / opinion doesn’t matter… and I don’t want to feel like that anymore, I lived for 6 years feeling like that and it’s not ok with me.

Starting tomorrow I have a series of workshops to attend, through these workshops hopefully I will be able to determine what I want to do with the rest of my life career wise… I have some limitations as to what I can do because of the fact that I have no car and because of my Crohn’s disease therefore it’s a little harder for me as I need to have access to a bathroom and in most cases it appears that an office job would be best suited for me, but we’ll see what the workshops have to say.

Geos decided that he’s gonna come and visit me for my birthday, that being said he’ll also be here for (American) Thanksgiving because my birthday is a couple days after it this year (I made the distinction because I am Canadian for anyone who doesn’t know ). I’m beginning to get really excited because he will be here in about 2 weeks give or take a couple days (in case of weather issues); the original plan is that he’ll be here on or around the 17th! Anyone who knows me well, knows I seem to be like a kid on Christmas Eve when I get excited; it’s very hard to focus / concentrate on anything but what I’m excited about, I have a hard time sleeping etc, etc…

I’m also happy that he decided to come here to share Thanksgiving with me, and believe it or not I am actually looking forward to making Thanksgiving dinner for us! Although, I am slightly worried that his family is going to feel abandoned or upset because this will be the second “special occasion” he’s spent with me this year; first his birthday and now Thanksgiving.

For now I have to keep myself occupied for two weeks

Well this past Sunday / Monday was the Canadian Thanksgiving.  Many people talked about what they are thankful for, I however didn’t really mention to anyone what I’m thankful for; mainly cause I have been in a fairly shitty mood lately, it’s hard to think about the good things in life when the bad things feel like they’re crushing you and are about to make your world collapse… but I suppose I should express what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my loving & supportive boyfriend, family and friends, I am thankful for a roof over my head and food in my tummy.  I am thankful that my nephew’s health is stable and he’s come as far as he has without having too many issues.

I say these things because my nephew Daymion turned 14 today, when he was born he had multiple health issues… His heart didn’t form properly as well as his esophagus wasn’t connected to his stomach.  He was supposed to have surgery within 12 – 24 hours of being born to correct an issue with his heart because they had seen on ultrasound that he had heart problems.  However due to his stomach not being connected to his esophagus, they could not do the heart surgery as planned because he could not be fed, they first had to connect the two, so the heart surgery was postponed.  Daymion has had over 200 surgeries in total, 7 of these surgeries were open heart surgeries, some were to implant stents / shunts to open / reinforce arteries and some were just minor dilatations, which some people wouldn’t consider a surgery however he was still sedated therefore his heart doctors did.  The majority of the surgeries he’s had were before the time he was two.  He was actually in the hospital until he was 13 months old, when he was finally strong / healthy enough to come home.

Daymion to this day still has a feeding tube and has to be given cans of Pediasure, he can eat normal food like everyone else, however not enough to sustain growth.  He also has a little pouch at the site where they connected his esophagus to his stomach where at times food gets stuck so he has to be careful when he eats and must make sure to drink lots of fluids to make sure that the food he’s eating goes down.  He is a little small for his age, but otherwise he looks like a normal teenager; the only way anyone would know any different is if they saw him without a shirt… at which time they would see his scars & feeding tube.

So yes, I am very thankful that he is doing as well as he is, they told us when he was born that he would most likely need a heart transplant by the time he was 15, we’re praying that this is not the case however only time will tell.  Over the last few years he was supposed to have another surgery to redirect blood flow to his legs better, however he’s doing so well that his heart specialists have been postponing it.  We hope and pray that he continues to do as well as he has been for many years to come!

My puppy is about 10 months old now, sometimes he can be the sweetest most cuddly puppy ever, other times… well lets just say I need to get him some obedience training   Sometimes he thinks he’s people, likes to sleep on the couch using pillows the way we do

He likes to make you think he’s dumb but he’s actually really smart… He very often chases his tail to the point he’s dizzy and falls over at times, this cracks me up, recently we’ve been trying to stop him from doing this so often because I’m worried he’s gonna make himself sick

I love how intrigued he gets by bugs he is funny to watch when we’re outside he chases butterflies / moths, he tries to play with crickets / ants and sometimes spiders (EWWWWW).  This summer he ate a few June bugs (big brown beetles) was kinda gross but still funny to watch. I love watching him smell flowers, it’s super cute

His absolute favorite game is tug, yet he doesn’t really play well with his tug rope I bought him, cause he’s always looking to get a better grip and likes to try to use his paws to help him get the advantage on whoever he’s playing with, so he accidentally hurts us either by biting our hands trying to get his grip or scratching us when he’s trying to get a better grip.  I gave him the fake Snuggie thing that I was given a couple years ago by my ex’s parents because he needed a blanket one night and his was in the wash, it has since turned into his blanket… not long after I gave it to him the arms were off of it, because it was a terrible knock off of the snuggie and wasn’t made very well.  The arms from the snuggie have also become tug toys, those are easier for him to keep his grip on usually though harder for us to hold onto while playing.

Most days when he wants to play he takes this stuffed snow man toy or the tug rope and throws it up in the air then chases it and throws it again like he’s playing fetch with himself or swings them around like he’s trying to murderize them… it’s super cute to watch

This morning he found a way to force me to play with him… he decided that he was going to drop his toy in my knitting bag that is beside my desk on the floor, knowing I didn’t want the toy in there cause every time he drops it in there I pick it up and toss it somewhere else.  So that became his new game this morning, he’d fetch it after I threw it then bring it back and drop it in my bag again, this went on for probably 20 minutes or so until I decided that I’d had enough and put the toy up where he can’t reach it for a while.

He definitely makes me smile!

I know most of my posts have been me complaining about something or other, but right now it’s hard to find the positive in things, so I apologize, if you don’t wanna read about my complaints you might not want to read this post either

I do not own a car and have never owned a car, I am however tired of relying on everyone around me to give me rides.

My dad, I love him very much, and he is nearly always willing to drive me where ever I need to go but God love him… he drives either right AT the speed limit or at times up to 10 kms slower than it, it’s frustrating.  Not to mention he is rarely on time, take yesterday morning for example; I messaged him at 9 am telling him I’d like to go to the gym for 9:30 am, he says ok, and gets me there on time.  He asked how long I’d be, I told him I will be doing either one or two group exercise classes, if only one I’d be done at 10:15 am and I’d text him, otherwise I was staying for the second one I’d be done 45 minutes after that (so 11 am).  I stayed for the second one, went downstairs to go home, and he’s no where in sight, so I text him “are you here or on your way??” at 11:06 am he says “uhhh do you have any shopping or looking around you need to do?” to which I tell him “um I didn’t bring any money and I’m all sweaty so no.” he then calls me, by now it’s 11:11 am, says “well I’m going to be about 10… maybe 15 minutes or so…” at this point I had started walking home because I knew when he asked if I needed to shop he’d be a while.  So I told him “ok, I started walking already” he says “alright, we’ll see you on the way then.”  I was about 3/4 the way home and he drives by, gawking at me with a huge shit eating grin on his face, goes to the next place he can turn in and turns around cause I was on the opposite side of the road, then has to drive to the next road so that he can turn off and I can get in the van, since his passenger side sliding door isn’t working only the driver’s side works right now.  I go to get in, and my 3 year old nephew won’t move to the other side, he expects me to climb over him and get in the other seat, I told him he could have his seat back as soon as we got to my house (literally 2 minutes or less from where we were), he refuses, telling me “I was here first” after about 3 or 4 minutes of arguing with him I said “fine I’ll walk then,” closed the door and started walking again, I got to the stores at the end of my street probably a 3-5 minute walk from my house depending on the pace you walk, and they pull into the parking lot, my nephew in the other side now has tears in his eyes. I get in, they drive me home.  I thanked him for letting me have the seat and asked him “that wasn’t so bad huh?” he made some grunt noise at me. We chatted, I cheered him up it wasn’t so bad.

Later in the evening I tell my dad I should go vote cause yesterday was voting day, he says he’s going a little later.  Well I’m not gonna argue, an hour and a half later he still hasn’t called or text me, my brother got home from where ever he was so I text my dad telling him I was taking my brother’s car.  He says “ok cool”

Today, I needed to drop something off for my former employer. I didn’t feel like sitting around waiting for my dad so I call my sister, she says sure I can do that. Sometimes my sister makes a couple errands turn into an all day affair.  She is rarely on time for anything, she’ll tell you 10-15 minutes that means 30-45 minutes in her language   Again I love her very much, I just don’t want to be out for 3 hours when the plan was to do 3 things (drop paperwork off, go to the bank, pick up a dress), which turned into drop paperwork off, go to the bank, pick up a dress, pick up my nephew’s glasses, help her decide which frames she is going to choose when she gets her new glasses, go look at the place she’s thinking about renting, stop at her boyfriend’s house to get food she left there the night before, then go to her house.  I got to see her kittens so that was a bonus but by that point my head was killing me and I wanted to be home.

It’s just so aggravating when I want to be somewhere or do something and I can’t because I have no way to get there without asking someone else to drive me.    Maybe some day….

Oh I was SO excited about this opportunity when I first heard about it at the beginning of September and extremely stoked when I was told that there was room for me!  Should have heard me, it was more exciting for me than I ever remember Christmas being as a child even… I think the only thing that is more exciting for me is when Geos tells me he’s coming to visit.

So I’m told by my friend who I learned about the opportunity through; The team is in the A division and yes it is a little competitive however it’s a very supportive team, the cost is $150 for the entire season and asks if I’m still interested, she’s speaking to a few other girls so basically it’s whoever responds first…  I thought about it for about 2 minutes and decided yes it’s a lot of money but I want in, it’s a good way to get out of the house and meet new people.  I told her, yes I want to play, she sends me a text telling me to go to the YMCA and get registered the Saturday of Labor day weekend… That is slightly stressful for me because I have a baseball tournament with my family that day ALL day… but regardless, I went to the YMCA before my tournament, I register and get everything set up, still super excited knowing the season doesn’t start for about 3 weeks, but I CAN’T wait!!

The time has come and our first official games of the season (5 games in one night against the same team) begun as of last week.  I was having fun until about the 4th game of the night when one of the ladies on my team decides to tell me how to play, and literally puts her hands on me to make me move closer to where she wanted me… I wanted to be like “Biotch I don’t know you, don’t touch me!” but being me I just moved and rolled my eyes, not to mention that she did this at the worst possible time; as the serve came over the net from the other team, therefore I wasn’t ready for the ball when it was near me making me feel like an ass when another team member is like “Help it… help it… never mind…”  During our 5th game the same “helpful” woman and another woman on my team decided that they were gonna make plans to play the ball around me instead of letting it get to me… (I have good ears and overheard the conversation so needless to say at about this point I’m feeling pretty poorly about my skills). 

Then to top it all off she decides that after the games are done, she needs to talk to me about my abilities… and make recommendations, asks me if I have a ball at home cause “you seem like you’re afraid of the ball…”, tells I need to practice volleying the ball against a wall and we need to practice me spiking the ball during warm ups cause I’m tall enough there is no reason why I shouldn’t be hitting the ball.  While I’m sure her intentions were good; she made me feel centered out and pretty shitty about how I played…   I mean

A)  It’s the first time I’ve met her…
B)  the first time I’ve played vball indoors since I was in uhh grade 8 sooo like 1995 ish…
C)  It’s the first time I’ve met her…
D)  I only played about 6 weeks of beach vball over this summer before our league ended early due to the bar closing.
E)  Oh, did I mention it’s the first time I’ve met her?!?
F)  It was our very first week playing on the same team together…
G)  and lastly… EVERYONE made mistakes, in fact there was another girl on the team that did the EXACT same things I was doing or not doing for that matter, yet she didn’t say a word to her, so that made me feel even worse. I guess she probably didn’t really think about how her “helping” would make someone feel on the first week playing together.

Yes… I am a little sensitive when it comes to criticism, therefore take things a little personally which is another thing I’m working on but it’s definitely a hard one to squash!

Either way I’m trying not to let it bother me and ruin my volleyball season cause I really enjoy volleyball a lot!  Wish me luck, hopefully she’s a little more bearable tomorrow night

Pretty sure I’ve made it clear that I dislike my current employment status… I absolutely hate searching for jobs, there are plenty of ways to search however my method is online, I don’t really want to print resumes and pound pavement, I don’t have the ambition to even go to the store to buy a paper to look in the classifieds 

I’ve applied to a few, but I haven’t heard anything back yet at this point… I was starting to feel a little better knowing that my Employment Insurance starts soon… but now I’m worried because I definitely don’t have the money for my mortgage payment… I will have it about 2 or 3 days after it’s due to come out of my account, great right?!?  *sigh*  here’s to hoping there is some miraculous event that gives me enough money to pay my mortgage heh.

Gah the stress of this is so not good for me… stress is not good for anyone but for my crohn’s disease it’s especially bad… I try not to worry about it but it’s hard not knowing what’s gonna happen.  Looking for some inner strength cause I’m about to crumble…

So my brother lives upstairs in my house, and don’t get me wrong I love it, it’s great because I get to know him better only having known him about 11 years and I get to see my nieces more often then before (which was only special occasions before he moved in).

However there comes a time when I haven’t seen any rent money yet for this month and I didn’t receive any money from him for the father’s day gift that my siblings and I all decided was a good idea to buy for my dad.

Yes there’s still 7 days left in the month and I could wait to see what the time brings, but if I don’t get the rent money then I have to ask about it… I know he would never not give me the money on purpose, I’m fairly sure that he just forgot about the fact that he didn’t give me the money for the gift as for rent I’m not sure what the deal is there…

I am very talkative but I’m also sort of shy and afraid of conflict… I mean what’s the worst he can say… right?!?  It still intimidates me to have to speak up… Reminds me of when I was little and I wanted a candy cane from on top of my aunt’s piano, I would ask the question repeatedly in my head working up the courage to ask for one… or I could just ask my dad to ask her for me.  I usually chose the second one if it was an option, but on the occasions she babysat me, I would literally sit there for about an hour asking the question over and over in my head before I would have the courage to actually speak the words heh.  Don’t know where it comes from but I need to get over it!